And the hip goes out AGAIN!!!!!
Yes..thought I had the damn thing fixed, but, the darn hip is out of place yet again, so have been going to the local chiropractor for some good ol fashioned back cracking. He says that its my job thats causing the hip to go out of place. I had 2 bone crunching sessions this week, and have another one on Monday, and he says that I should be good for the rest of the summer. Alas, this is a prob I'll have to deal with from time to time.
I love the fact that I have new blogger pals sending me their comments. Its great..for this stranger in the Back Forty its nice to have some pen pals..(or would it be typing pals now?). Hmmm...Anyhoo...I do have a rant for ya today...ohhhh la la...its about the frickin water meters and other things pertaining to the ineptness of our elected officials...and hopefully my bad ass alter ego Pizzaslinger will chime in on what she'd like to do with these people.
Okay...Any one who has read previous posts knows about my utter dislike of town officials and also of the water meters they sprung on the townsfolk. Well, the restaurant couldn't get a water meter right away like most people did, because the Public works crew couldn't figure out where our shut off valve was so they could install the meter. Seven times they came...finally they managed to find the blueprints, and discovered that the shut off valve was located under the paved driveway out back. So they punch a hole in the asphalt to get to the valve and assured us that the area would be patched. Well, my idea of patching and theirs obviously wasn't the same, as they filled the hole with DIRT. Yeah..dirt, of all things. Anyhoo, they had told people in town meetings that the installation of the meters would only take 15-20 minutes. Okay...we'd told them that they can come in anytime we're not open. They come in at 10am, when Mom needs to prep for opening at 11am. 3 HOURS later they were done. Do you think they spent the whole 3 hours sweating their asses off to install this meter? Not on your christly life. They spent most of the time drinking coffee and smoking their cigarettes out back. I guess Mom got on their case, because we had to be closed during lunch, so we lost money. She asked them how she was expected to make dough for pizzas when the water wasn't turned on yet. They had the audacity to suggest Mom get the water from the bowling alley next door. Yeah, the bowling alley that pissed me off this summer with their fucking barbeque. Wow...what chutzpah, let me tell you. So Mom made it a point to call the Township to ask in her Greek Mother guilt trip way what the fuck these guys were doing, wasting tax payers money. I told Mom what she needs to do is send the Township a bill for her lost wages those 3 hours, my lost wages, plus an estimate of what we could have made had we been open. I am tempted. What dicks...ahhh...wait a minute....yes..Pizzaslinger is gonna tell you how she'd take care of these loafers!
Pizzaslinger strikes back at the Lazy Public Employees..
Pizzaslinger (sees 2 men and 1 woman hanging out back chugging on their smokes, sipping coffee and laughing at an amusing anecdote the 1 guy is narrating)- Hey!
(The 3 turn to look at her)
Pizzaslinger- Hey, I can't be closed for lunch..I need that water meter installed pronto and the water turned back on. I have to make dough!
1 of the dicks- Just get water from next door.
Pizzaslinger- Excuse me?
2nd dick- Well, they can give you water for your dough from the bowling alley right?
Pizzaslinger- What the fuck are you..high AND lazy? I don't like my tax money going to this extended vacation you call a break. Hurry up or you'll be sorry.
3rd dick (this is the woman)- We'll be sorry? (scoffs) We'll be done when we 're done.
Pizzaslinger- That does it! (Marches up to woman dick grabs her cig and breaks it in half and throws it at her) Last time...finish the job you're overpaid to do!
1st dick- Hey! Leave her alone. (attempts to subdue Pizzaslinger by grabbing her wrist, but in a split second, Pizzaslinger has grabbed his wrist spun around, and had him doubled ove as she has his arm bent and twisted in an unnatural shape)
Pizzaslinger- I already asked you nice...now its time to take out the trash. (She grabs 1st dick , lifts him high over her head, and marches over to the garbage dumpster. She dumps him in unceremoniously, and tosses the heavy lid down. She turns to the other 2 dicks)
Pizzaslinger- There! It only takes 2 people to install this fucking meter right?
2nd dick- Uhhhhh..
Pizzaslinger- What? You got some fuckin speech impediment?
3rd dick- Yes. (obviously in awe of the great and powerful woman in the sauce stained apron in front of her)
Pizzaslinger- Yes, it only takes two to install or yes he has a speech impediment?
3rd dick- Both.
Pizzaslinger- I expect this meter to be installed, the water turned back on and all your filthy butts picked up and placed in the proper receptacle in 15 minutes. Any questions?
2nd dick- But we can't do it that fast!
Pizzaslinger- I think you may surprise yourself. (points to the garbage bin) Unless you want to join your buddy on his break there.
2nd dick- I should report you to the mayor!
Pizzaslinger- You do that, and you can ask him to tell you the delightful story of how his balls ended up in a Mason jar that's presently on my mantle at home.
(2nd and 3rd dick stare in shock)
Pizzaslinger- MOVE!!!! (Gives them both a hard shove that knocks them both on their arses. They scramble up to their feet, hurredly grab their tools and get to work).
Pizzaslinger- Now thats more like it! (she brushes her hands off and goes inside to prepare her badass pizza dough)
Thanks Pizzaslinger! So tonight we are open til 3am...lucky me got a break away from the place to come up here , so I could type all my thoughts. Plus...its way cooler up here! Today and tomorrow the humidex will be 33, and by the pizzaoven its more like 50 . Degrees. Celcius. Of course the great badass Pizzaslinger gets stronger by the oven. Whipping out those pizzas that bring customers to Nirvana recharges her batteries, getting her more than prepared to kung foo anyones ass who dares to look at her crosseyed. She also has very acute hearing and could hear a pin drop in a room of 50 rowdy drunks. She has x-ray vision, that enables her to see if someone has sneaked food in from another restaurant, or someone trying to make off with stolen property. Lets see...she wields that pizzaknife like a broadsword, and has bad ass biceps. She is a muscular woman, with piercing blue eyes, and dark hair. But she has a soft spot for kids, and will defend them if accosted by a drunk fool. Hmmm...more on Pizzaslinger at another time..I must go..but my Blogger question is...if you could be a superhero, what would you be and what would your powers be? Now Sugarfoot, I know you don't think you have a alter ego, but try something...I'd like to see what everyone comes up with..Until then , keep on Bloggin!
posted by Stranger @ 7:49 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
Nice to know local officals are the same everwhere. Always with their hand in your pocket and half-assing any public works project that comes along.
Okay Pizzaslinger, now you’ve done it. You’ve challenged me and I always rise to a challenge. It’s go time!
Our story begins one fine Canadian summer day as our mild-mannered environmental engineer is on a critical hunt for an elusive plume of toxic waste that is contaminating the water source for this sleepy and out of the way town located in the wilds of Canada. Time is of the essence since this Back 40 town’s primary source of subsistence are the delicious kick-ass pizzas effortlessly dolled out by the beauty wrapped and powerful Pizzaslinger.
Using only the sexiest and technologically advanced forensic methods made available to the best and brightest in the field of environmental science, our hero searches effortlessly for the source of the contamination poisoning the towns only source of pure Canadian drinking water; pausing only to replenish his strength with a zucchini and pepperoni pizza handmade by a shining goddess known only as “The Pizzaslinger”.
I know through hours of surveillance that a contingency of industrial moguls called “The Sanctum” have plotted against the Pizzaslinger to destroy the precious water needed to make the golden pizza dough that is the foundation for what many have called the Nirvana of the Great White North.
Pouring over analytical data and satellite photos my concentration is interrupted momentarily by the persistent beeping of my handheld pollution detection device. The source of the toxic plume is coming from city hall! Not wanting to waste a single delicious morsel of the Pizzaslingers gift to humanity, I grab the last slice and dash out the door leaving a crisp $100 bill to cover my meal and a generous and well deserved tip. Bounding across the sidewalk, pizza slice in hand I skid across the hood of my hybrid SUV. Throwing throw the car into gear, I hear the powerful hum as I make my way towards city hall following the data blips collected from remote detection modules put into place after hours of scouring the city’s sewer system in an effort to find the source of the pollution poisoning the city.
I slow my hybrid SUV as I approach city hall, parking in a nearby clump of brush not wanting to inadvertently alert The Sanctum sentinels placed in strategic locations around the now dilapidated city hall building.
Using a concoction of hallucinogenic mushroom dust collected from the nearby flora and fauna, I knock out three sentinels before stealthily moving inside city hall. My luck, which up until now had been less than ideal had suddenly turned in my favor. Right before my eyes was the entire Sanctum contingency busily pouring toxic waste into the artesian spring that feeds the city’s only source of pure and sweet drinking water. All eight agents were present smoking cigarettes and laughing at yet another mindless anecdote bellowed out by three of the laziest city workers I had ever seen.
Vastly outnumbered and facing certain death I sprang into action somersaulting over leaking barrels of toxic waste landing each foot into the chests of two Sanctum agents sending them sprawling into a vat of acidic waste, only momentarily watching these worthless and evil agents writhing in pain as their flesh melted before my eyes. Not wasting any time I turned my attention to the remaining six agents in a Kung-fu, Praying Mantis stance, my left hand extended towards them in a “come hither” taunting motion.
Three of the six agents rushed me in a futile attempt to overpower what they probably thought was a granola-eating tree hugger. Little did they know that the fuel that fired my fighting spirit was none other than the manna created by the Pizzaslinger. The fight was brief and bloody and in the fray of flying fists and punishing kicks, three agents lay motionless on the basement floor of City Hall. Even while I doled out swift and painful justice, I noticed the remaining three lazy Sanctum agents fleeing the scene curiously carrying with them a rusty water meter as they fled in terror.
Before leaving the basement of city hall, I reached into my shoulder bag and took out a concoction of water purifying herbs collected earlier and carefully poured them into the city’s artesian well. Assured that the city’s drinking water was safe I left the dingy basement of city hall in search of the remaining three Sanctum agents. Thinking that these three mangy criminals had somehow escaped, I rounded the corner behind the local pizzeria just in time to see a blue-eyed, raven haired vixen dispatch the remaining three Sanctum agents who were making one last attempt to rob the world of Pizzaslinger’s heaven on earth by installing a miniature pollution device disguised as a water meter onto the mainline feeding the Pizzaria.
I stood motionless; her entrancing moves making my heart skip a beat. Not wanting to interfere and find myself falling victim to the wrath of the Pizzaslinger I slowly eased my way back down the alley and away from the fight that was well underway fully confident that this beautiful Valkyrie had the situation well handled and made my way to the front of the Pizzeria, my mouth watering in anticipation of a well deserved slice of pizza and pint of fine Canadian beer.
Yes!!!!!Now that is what I call an action hero! What an awesome story Sugarfoot!!! I like how you wound your story with the great powerful Pizzaslingers'. She is immensely pleased...the challenge goes out to everyone else to add to this story or make up one of your own. Oh hey Sugarfoot...is your character Captain Klobber as in previous comments, or are you giving your character a name? Terrific job!
Nah, Kapt Klobber was a name I threw out on a whim.
Our fighting naturalist is only known by his deeds and love for pepperoni and zucchini pizza.
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